6 Key Advice for Pre-teens About Friendships
If I were to ask you, what is the best advice that you received as a pre-teen regarding friendships, that stuck with you all these years, what would it be?
As a parent to my pre-teen kids, I know that friendships are super important to them and that is why it’s normal to feel a bit worried about our kids and their friendships. To deal with this, I make sure we talk openly about what’s going on with their friends. We often talk about these five important “rules” of friendships to help them build a strong foundation on which their friendships rely. While I share advice, I also want them to feel confident in making decisions on their own. And that is the best I can do as a parent. Really.
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You would not know your true friends until you are 16 or even later: Take your time in trusting people. You see, kids don’t have long term vision, so they think present is the ONLY time (which I also think what adds to their innocence!) but I always try to tell them that they have to sometimes “test” their friends…. and that as they are growing up, so are their friends and they might or might not connect in a few months, year or who knows someone they thought would never be their friend, might end up being one. So, I tell them to take it slow with friendships.
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Real friends never judge each other: For who you are or what you have or don ‘t have. Many times, I have seen kids these days get very conscious of what they own – in fact, my own kids have been told “oh, your room is not that big or cool, let’s have a play date at my home!” … and that is just sad. I tell me kids that in true friendships, there’s no criticism or looking down on each other. Instead, good friends appreciate and celebrate you for being yourself. It’s like having a special bond where you feel free to be exactly who you are without any worries.
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Embrace and respect differences among your friends: In today’s diverse world, especially living in a country like USA, my kids are blessed to come across other kids from different backgrounds, races and ethnicities. While this has a lot of positive impact, sometimes it confuses them. So, I tell them that maybe your friend likes different things or has different ideas, and that’s totally cool. I keep re-enforcing that they should respect their friend’s uniqueness and remember to learn from each other’s awesome individuality!
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Be careful about who you choose as a friend: Your friendships define your future. I truly believe that even as grownups, we are a sum of our 5 closest friends, and this cannot be truer for childhood relationships. I tell my kids to pick friends who are positive and supportive and to be careful not to be friends with kids who may bring them down or make bad choices. The thing is these childhood friendships shape who they become, so surround themselves with kids who uplifts them is important.
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A true friend respects boundary: I tell them not to give in to peer pressure; when a friend tries to make you do things you don’t want to; don’t give in, stick to what you believe is right. Trust your feelings and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. A good friend will always respect their choices and never pressure them into something they don’t want to do.
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Learn to Say No: It’s okay to backout when you are not sure. A good pal will understand. One thing I sometimes struggle with is how to get my kids to say no to their friends, without them feeling like they wouldn’t be ‘popular’ or liked anymore – So, I tell them: it’s totally fine to say no if you’re not sure about something. Your true pals will respect your decision and not be upset or think less of you. Saying no is a way of taking care of themselves, and real friends always appreciate honesty.
