Self-Esteem in Pre-Teen Girls -

How important is it to focus on self-esteem in pre-teen girls? A few days back a co-worker shared that her 10-year-old daughter recently experienced her first period, which significantly affected her self-esteem and confidence. As a mother of a 10-year-old daughter myself, I felt concerned and decided to educate myself on the relationship between self-esteem and puberty. If you like stats and fact-checked sources, you might find these incredibly helpful:

A very data heavy and scientific article from National Library of Medicine reported a significant relationship between the frequency of social media use and body dissatisfaction, drive for thinness and low self-esteem in girls aged 14-24.
Per CDC, during 2020 – 2021, suspected suicide attempts shot up 50.6% among girls aged 12–17 years compared to the same period in 2019—as well as compared to an increase of only 3.7% for boys.
A survey from Women In Sport found that girls are quitting sports when they become teens at a higher rate, due to lower self-esteem and more concerns about their bodies and appearance, exacerbated by more exposure to social media.
This New Yorker article mentioned that Girls are indeed entering puberty at younger ages than in the past and by age 8, 27% of black girls, 15% of Hispanic girls, and 10% of white girls start developing breasts. This earlier onset of puberty brings with it various psychosocial challenges, including lower self-esteem, increased body dissatisfaction, and higher rates of depression and anxiety.
Mental-health-related ER visits for children ages five to eleven increased by 24% in 2020 as compared with 2019; it was 31% for kids ages 12 to 17.
National Center for Education Statistics reported, that across the country, more than 70% of public schools reported an increase in students seeking mental health services at school.

Sometimes, I find myself overwhelmed with anxiety about raising kids, particularly my daughter, in today’s contemporary world. However, I remind myself that instead of worrying, I should focus on equipping both myself and my daughter to navigate the upcoming changes—mentally, physically, and in her surroundings—in the best way possible.

Here are a few ways that I have learned we can all help our girls boost their self-esteem.

Model Body Acceptance yourself in front of her – Moms have a huge impact on their daughter’s body image so avoid discussing your weight or criticizing your own appearance. Be aware of falling into the trap of the “Morality of Orality,” where we judge food choices as “good” or “bad” and tie our self-worth to them. For example, thinking, “I was bad for eating pizza, so I won’t have dessert.” This mindset can lead to unhealthy relationships with food and negative self-perceptions, causing feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety. It may even lead to disordered eating patterns like binge eating or restrictive eating. Instead, focus on balanced eating habits and being kind to yourself about food choices.

Don’t raise her to be a people pleaser – Guide her away from constantly seeking approval from others. Empower her to assert herself and express her needs and desires with confidence. Encourage her to speak up by asking questions like, “What do you want?” and honor her decisions when she makes choices. Validate her autonomy and allow her to have a voice in decision-making processes, whether it’s choosing clothes or making significant decisions like managing savings or resolving conflicts with friends.

Praise her for efforts rather than outcomes – It’s better to cheer for your pre-teen daughters when they work hard, rather than just when they succeed. This goes for everyone, but especially for girls. For instance, if your daughter struggles with a math problem but keeps trying, praise her effort. This teaches her that hard work and perseverance are valuable, even if things don’t always go perfectly, kind of like prepares her for heartbreak or failures!

Help build skills that build confidence in her own self vs. confidence that comes from “acquiring things” – I often find it challenging when I notice my 10-year-old daughter admiring another girl because she has the latest trend or gadget (STANLEY is driving me crazy these days, just saying!). In response, I try to steer her towards activities or hobbies that allow her to express her creativity and thoughts—such as theater, sports, music, or art. These outlets help her focus on expressing herself through actions rather than appearance or possessions, fostering a deeper understanding of her worth beyond materialistic things.

Direct your praise away from her appearance – This is a situation I encounter once or twice, sometimes more times a month! Ever since my daughter was a baby, people have complimented her on her gorgeous eye color (she has green, hazel eyes). Over the past year or so, I’ve noticed that these compliments have started to influence her perception of herself. That’s when I made a conscious effort to balance these remarks about her appearance with compliments about who she is and what she does in her day-to-day life. My thought is that when girls or kids in general, get praise for their character traits—like kindness, intelligence, creativity, or perseverance—they learn to value themselves for more than just the looks. For a pre-teen girl, this could help develop a sense of identity based on her inner qualities and strengths.

Make her media savvy –This is an interesting topic that has evolved for with time. When my children were toddlers, I strictly adhered to the rule of not letting them watch inappropriate content, and I still agree with that principle for that age group. However, as approach pre-teens, I’ve come to realize the importance of assessing media exposure on a case-by-case basis. If they want to watch something questionable now, I or my husband watch it with them, and we engage in conversations about it immediately afterward. This helps them develop a critical eye to decode and filter media messages. By discussing topics like unrealistic beauty standards and harmful stereotypes perpetuated by social media, I aim to prepare her to navigate the complexities of the digital landscape. I believe that providing guidance and communication while allowing her some control in this process is crucial.

Never trash talk other women in front of her – And make sure that other men and boys in your family don’t do it either, especially when it’s about how someone looks or eats. It can be harmful to self-esteem. If the men in her family don’t treat her well, she might think it’s okay for other guys outside to treat her badly too. So, by being kind and respectful, you show her how she deserves to be treated by others.

Start her on team sports early – Research indicates that pre-teen girls who engage in team sports often experience higher levels of self-esteem coz they learn to derive their sense of worth and validation from within their team and themselves, rather than seeking validation from boys or external sources. When peer validation is so important, pre-teen girls who play team sports, develop a strong sense of camaraderie with their peers, which fosters a positive self-image and confidence in their abilities.

Don’t treat her like damsel in distress – I know someone in my family who always treated her daughter like she was ‘fragile’ even when she was little. She never let her do anything hard, like picking up heavy things or playing outside alone. She was always there, watching over her…It’s like she thought her daughter always needed help. Now that the girl is 20, she can’t do things on her own! What good is that? As parents our most important job is to raise kids, no matter their gender, to be independent. Especially with our pre-teen girls, we should help them become strong and capable of facing challenges alone and encourage them to speak up, take charge when needed. Of course, this means we need to trust them and support their goals, which can be tricky depending on how we are as a person!

Make sure you not only show in ACTIONS but also tell in WORDS that you love her, no matter what – It’s crucial to consistently show and tell your pre- teen daughter that you love her unconditionally, regardless of any changes or achievements. She needs to feel secure in the knowledge that your love for her is unwavering, no matter what. While teenagers often seek validation from their peers, the opinion of their parents remains incredibly significant. Letting her know that your love and support are constant pillars in her life can provide her with a sense of stability and confidence as she navigates through the challenges of adolescence.